It was awful. And this is going to be full of spoilers. Full. So stop reading if you don't want to read them.
It wasn't that it was hard to follow the plot, it's just that it was leading to somewhere that no sane person would want to go. Some of this might not be in the order it happened in the movie because, really, it doesn't matter and I'm not going to bother trying to get the timeline exactly right.
The movie opens in like 7 gazillion B.C. Transformers were here a long time ago! Really! And this guy with the neck frill is important!
And back to modern day! Sam's mom is crying and his dad is hurridly packing. Sam wants to go to college and leave his super hot girlfriend and awesome transforming car behind. Sam's an idiot. He and Mikaela haven't said "I love you" yet. That's her main conflict in the movie. It shouldn't be because they've been together for two years and are going to try to make a cross continental long distance relationship work. If neither of them can manage three simple words then they are totally boned and should just give up.
Oh, and the government has been working with the autobots to hunt down decepticons except this random weiner with the president's ear wants to shut them down and he brilliantly broadcasts the locations of Megatron and the shard of All Spark that the government is "protecting." The quotes are there becaue the decepticons can break in to any government facility anytime and take whatever they want, so why did they wait till the information was broadcasted? Why not go in and steal the info? No reason. We just wanted another officious weiner to mock in the movie. Isn't mocking officious weiners fun?
And there are like six autobots and two of them are twins, and they're stupid and annoying and the less said about them the better. These six autobots are Earth's only reliable defence against all eight million decepticons.
Sam finds a piece of the All Spark in his hoodie while he's packing. It imprints some shit in his mind then burns through the floor and brings the household appliances to life. Bumblebee takes care of them, then gets yelled at for messing up the house like a large unruly puppy. Sam gives Mikaela the shard without bothering to tell her what it is. Then he leaves the state. One of the baby decepticons escaped the destruction, tells the space decepticon he's tracking the shard, and follows. How can the baby automatically contact their space relay guy? Who knows!
The decepticons steal the All Spark bit and bring Megatron back to life with it. But didn't shoving the All Spark into his chest kill him in the first place? Well....
Anyway! Sam gets to college and his mom eats a pot brownie and his roomates arranged for all the hot girls to be in their dorm and all of this is a waste of time in very bloated movie. Sam has weird seizures where he has to write down weird symbols and he remembers that he left the shard with Mikaela and warns her and she captures the baby decepticon and decides to fly to Sam's side with the decipticon IN HER LUGGAGE. A terminator decepticon shows up and tries to seduce Sam and he can't manage to tell her off for following him around even though she's pushy and creepy and really has no personality. Except she likes cars because of course all hot chicks like cars. Mikaela walks in on them kissing and gets mad and leaves, but comes back when Sam starts screaming like a little girl. Anyway, when did decepticons become terminators? But it doesn't matter because they escape and she never shows up again.
Sam's idiot roommate who shouldn't be in the damn movie at all gets pulled along with them. Megatron captures them and tortures Sam all Matrix style with wierd little bug decepticons that crawl around in Sam's body. Then they escape and there's a big fight and Optimus Prime gets killed.
Yeah. That's what I said.
Anyway, they can't bring him back using the shard because... well... acutally, it seems like no one thought of it. So Sam's roommate takes them to some other guy who runs an alien conspiracy website who turns out to be the officious idiot from the first movie! Hey, we love officious idiots. He kind of helps. Maybe. Anyway, he's around for the rest of the movie. Since the autobots are illiterate, they ask the baby decepticon what the symbols mean, but he can't read either, so they find this reformed decepticon who's been living on Earth forever.
He's in a museum and getting to him involves a truly stupid plan that should not work. They use the All Spark shard to wake him up. Apparantly the decepticons want to turn the sun into fuel so they can have babies. Actually, Neck Frill is called "The Fallen" because he wanted to blow up the sun when they showed up a million years ago, but they wouldn't let him because they're not supposed to blow up suns with life floating around them. But he hated people so much that he was going to ignore that rule. Wait, why does he hate people? Becuse he's EVIL!
The old reformed decepticon helps them find this tomb where Optimus's ancestors sacrificed themselves to fight neck frill guy. He didn't manage to find it before because he's an idiot. (But he has a cane! He's OLD! Isn't that funny?) Really, at this point we should be grateful that he can read. He teleports them all to Egypt. Yeah. I should mention that he transforms into a plane. But teleporting is just... cooler? I guess.
The symbols are a clue that Sam figures out because at the beginning of the movie he read an entire astronomy book while having a seizure. They have to get through customs to get to the temple. Why not teleport? Well, because then we couldn't do this midget joke and show how much everyone in the world loves New York. They love it so much that they'll let you into their country without a passport.
Sam got some magic leadership dust from the tomb they found, and the army defies orders to bring him Optimus' body. On the way they trick the officious weiner to pull his parachute and get sucked out of the plane! He ends up in the middle of nowhere! Isn't that funny? And he never shows up again.
The 11 billion decepticon are between our heroes and the army, so Sam and Mikaela have to run on foot for two miles through the fight. His parents show up because the devious decepticons kidnapped them! How clever! And his dad is the one who doesn't want to let him go on and save everything! Reversal! Crazy!
The roommate and last movie's weiner along with the annoying twins fight the biggest deception ever! But then weiner guy calls in a rail gun strike and one shots it.
Sam gets almost to Optimus and then dies. Except Mikaela "I love you"s him back to live and he has a dream with autobot ghosts about how he's earned leadership. Optimus comes back to life, the old robot dies and gives Optimus his skin, and Optimus kicks everyone's ass.
So, that's essentially the movie. I left a few things out, I'm sure, but you get the general idea.
It wasn't that it was hard to follow the plot, it's just that it was leading to somewhere that no sane person would want to go. Some of this might not be in the order it happened in the movie because, really, it doesn't matter and I'm not going to bother trying to get the timeline exactly right.
The movie opens in like 7 gazillion B.C. Transformers were here a long time ago! Really! And this guy with the neck frill is important!
And back to modern day! Sam's mom is crying and his dad is hurridly packing. Sam wants to go to college and leave his super hot girlfriend and awesome transforming car behind. Sam's an idiot. He and Mikaela haven't said "I love you" yet. That's her main conflict in the movie. It shouldn't be because they've been together for two years and are going to try to make a cross continental long distance relationship work. If neither of them can manage three simple words then they are totally boned and should just give up.
Oh, and the government has been working with the autobots to hunt down decepticons except this random weiner with the president's ear wants to shut them down and he brilliantly broadcasts the locations of Megatron and the shard of All Spark that the government is "protecting." The quotes are there becaue the decepticons can break in to any government facility anytime and take whatever they want, so why did they wait till the information was broadcasted? Why not go in and steal the info? No reason. We just wanted another officious weiner to mock in the movie. Isn't mocking officious weiners fun?
And there are like six autobots and two of them are twins, and they're stupid and annoying and the less said about them the better. These six autobots are Earth's only reliable defence against all eight million decepticons.
Sam finds a piece of the All Spark in his hoodie while he's packing. It imprints some shit in his mind then burns through the floor and brings the household appliances to life. Bumblebee takes care of them, then gets yelled at for messing up the house like a large unruly puppy. Sam gives Mikaela the shard without bothering to tell her what it is. Then he leaves the state. One of the baby decepticons escaped the destruction, tells the space decepticon he's tracking the shard, and follows. How can the baby automatically contact their space relay guy? Who knows!
The decepticons steal the All Spark bit and bring Megatron back to life with it. But didn't shoving the All Spark into his chest kill him in the first place? Well....
Anyway! Sam gets to college and his mom eats a pot brownie and his roomates arranged for all the hot girls to be in their dorm and all of this is a waste of time in very bloated movie. Sam has weird seizures where he has to write down weird symbols and he remembers that he left the shard with Mikaela and warns her and she captures the baby decepticon and decides to fly to Sam's side with the decipticon IN HER LUGGAGE. A terminator decepticon shows up and tries to seduce Sam and he can't manage to tell her off for following him around even though she's pushy and creepy and really has no personality. Except she likes cars because of course all hot chicks like cars. Mikaela walks in on them kissing and gets mad and leaves, but comes back when Sam starts screaming like a little girl. Anyway, when did decepticons become terminators? But it doesn't matter because they escape and she never shows up again.
Sam's idiot roommate who shouldn't be in the damn movie at all gets pulled along with them. Megatron captures them and tortures Sam all Matrix style with wierd little bug decepticons that crawl around in Sam's body. Then they escape and there's a big fight and Optimus Prime gets killed.
Yeah. That's what I said.
Anyway, they can't bring him back using the shard because... well... acutally, it seems like no one thought of it. So Sam's roommate takes them to some other guy who runs an alien conspiracy website who turns out to be the officious idiot from the first movie! Hey, we love officious idiots. He kind of helps. Maybe. Anyway, he's around for the rest of the movie. Since the autobots are illiterate, they ask the baby decepticon what the symbols mean, but he can't read either, so they find this reformed decepticon who's been living on Earth forever.
He's in a museum and getting to him involves a truly stupid plan that should not work. They use the All Spark shard to wake him up. Apparantly the decepticons want to turn the sun into fuel so they can have babies. Actually, Neck Frill is called "The Fallen" because he wanted to blow up the sun when they showed up a million years ago, but they wouldn't let him because they're not supposed to blow up suns with life floating around them. But he hated people so much that he was going to ignore that rule. Wait, why does he hate people? Becuse he's EVIL!
The old reformed decepticon helps them find this tomb where Optimus's ancestors sacrificed themselves to fight neck frill guy. He didn't manage to find it before because he's an idiot. (But he has a cane! He's OLD! Isn't that funny?) Really, at this point we should be grateful that he can read. He teleports them all to Egypt. Yeah. I should mention that he transforms into a plane. But teleporting is just... cooler? I guess.
The symbols are a clue that Sam figures out because at the beginning of the movie he read an entire astronomy book while having a seizure. They have to get through customs to get to the temple. Why not teleport? Well, because then we couldn't do this midget joke and show how much everyone in the world loves New York. They love it so much that they'll let you into their country without a passport.
Sam got some magic leadership dust from the tomb they found, and the army defies orders to bring him Optimus' body. On the way they trick the officious weiner to pull his parachute and get sucked out of the plane! He ends up in the middle of nowhere! Isn't that funny? And he never shows up again.
The 11 billion decepticon are between our heroes and the army, so Sam and Mikaela have to run on foot for two miles through the fight. His parents show up because the devious decepticons kidnapped them! How clever! And his dad is the one who doesn't want to let him go on and save everything! Reversal! Crazy!
The roommate and last movie's weiner along with the annoying twins fight the biggest deception ever! But then weiner guy calls in a rail gun strike and one shots it.
Sam gets almost to Optimus and then dies. Except Mikaela "I love you"s him back to live and he has a dream with autobot ghosts about how he's earned leadership. Optimus comes back to life, the old robot dies and gives Optimus his skin, and Optimus kicks everyone's ass.
So, that's essentially the movie. I left a few things out, I'm sure, but you get the general idea.
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