So, I can't to go North Carolina because I'm not sure if I can afford it and I didn't want to leave everyone in a lurch down the road. Because of that, Jeff and I aren't speaking. I don't really want to get any deeper into all of that—it's over.
So, what's really driving me nuts? Well, I want to write about it to hopefully get it all out of my system, so I might as well do it here.
I'm really sick of how everyone worships Andy. I really feel like everyone but me wants to curl up at his feet and stare up at him worshipfully with big doe-y eyes. (I told him I'd mention him, so ADAM, just stop batting your eyes at Andy.) I'm not saying that he's not good. He is. He's a very good writer, but I just don't see him as the WRITING GOD that everyone else seems to view him as. I'm the only one in any of our writing classes that ever has anything to say to him other than "OMG Andy, you're so great!" or "Andy, stop hoarding all of the awesome!" or "Oh, Andy I want to have your babies!" That last one might be a bit of an exageration, but really, not by as much as it should be. And I'm worried that I feel like this because I'm jealous and petty. Everyone acts like he's just sooo much better than me (though no one would ever actually say it, of course) and I just don't see it. Does that make me vain? Does all of this bother me because I wish that every once in a while someone would say, "Jamie, stop hogging all of the awesome"? The problem is that I don't know. Of course I'm jealous of Andy. Nancy loves him; she really just doesn't like me. Andy's getting the Lang Award. I can't help being a little envious. I wish I got awards. I wish Nancy said nice things instead of telling me that I can't cut it at grad school. But is that why I see things in his pieces that I think that he should fix? I really hope not. But it is definitely making me keep my mouth shut in class because I don't want to look like an asshole. It's bad enough that I feel like an asshole.
Well, that's my life at the moment.
Author, editor, hiker.
2 comments:
I probably won't be able to help any, but I'm going to give you my opinion anyway. You're a good writer. Andy's a good writer. Andy and you write VERY different things so you really can't compare yourself with him in anyway. He wouldn't be able to write the way that you write anymore than you are able to write the way he writes. Part of it may be envy because he gets so much attention, but part of it is a valid complaint. We all know how Nancy can be when she likes someone and how she is when she doesn't.
And, as someone who knows Andy, or at least knew Andy, on a much more personal level, he sucks as a person. He's arrogant. He's very into himself. The problem is that he KNOWS he's a good writer, while you still doubt if you're a good writer. Confidence in your ability would probably help you to feel better about the whole situation. And anyway, you really are a much better person.
Jill
P.S. I forgot to add that you're a far better poet than he is. His poetry sucks. Yours rocks.
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